Depression is so much more than what you see on the outside. Inside, everything is torn apart. Broken. Defeated. It’s lonely. It’s the constant feeling that you’ll never be good enough for the people you love. It’s the negative thoughts that cloud over any good thing you have. That no matter how much you try to keep your head above water, you feel yourself being pulled deep down and you’re constantly drowning. I know this because I struggle with depression too.
My depression stems from the loss of my mother to cancer along with multiple struggles I've encountered throughout the years. When I’m at my lowest, it’s the most incredibly lonely feeling I’ve ever experienced. And I’ve been there many times. I get angry, depressed, or anxious and it's incredibly difficult to shake myself out of it.
I recently came across a song by NF and I couldn't have explained my emotions better than the lyrics in this song:
It feels like a tear in my heart Like a part of me missing And I just can't feel it I've tried and I've tried And I've tried
Tears on my face I can't take it If lonely is a taste then it's all that I'm tasting Do you hear my cry? I cry, oh
Can you hold me? Can you hold me? Can you hold me in your arms?
Just wrap me in your arms, in your arms I don't wanna be nowhere else Take me from the dark, from the dark I ain't gonna make it myself Put your arms around me Put your arms around me Let your love surround me I am lost I am lost
If I ain't got you here If I ain't got you, I ain't got nothing at all
Can you hold me? Can you hold me? Can you hold me in your arms?
In your arms? (Yeah, yeah) Yeah, I feel like it's just me, feel like it's just me What it gon' take? What it gon' be? I don't even know (it's not just you) But I'm lonely Feeling like I don't even know me, I don't even know me (I feel it too) Gotta have you gotta see you (Yeah the only thing I have to think about The only one I that can´t live without) I see you (I need you to hold me now)
If I ain't got you If I ain't got you I ain't got nothing I ain't got nothing If I ain't got you I ain't got you If I ain't got you I'm lonely If I ain't with you I'm lonely I'm lonely I need you I need you
Can you hold me? Can you hold me in your arms?
Feel like it's just me, like it's just me What it gon' take? What it gon' be? I don't even know, I don't even know But I'm lonely, lonely Feel like I don't even know me Feels like I don't even know me I don't even know me
-Can You Hold Me by NF ft. Britt Nicole
You guys, that song is SO REAL to me. I'm sure many of you have songs that you feel deeply. For me, this song is it. I know to many it may sound strange that when I'm at my lowest I just want to be held. And you might think "Why not just reach out?". I can't. I physically don't have the energy and don't feel like anybody would want to deal with my emotions. I felt stuck. And, yes, many times I seriously contemplated taking my own life. This was normal for me. For so many people, this feeling is REAL too.
My mental health affects not just me, but everyone around me. My friends, my family, strangers who happen to be around me when I'm upset. I'm blessed to have friends and family that reached out to me and helped me realize that I needed help before I did something I would regret. I will forever be grateful for the people who stuck around during my darkest times.
After getting help, I realized that what I was feeling was NOT normal and NOT okay. Taking my own life would have stopped the pain for me, but not for those I loved. There is so much more life I have left to live. I still have dreams. I still want to travel and see the world. I still have lives that I can change for the better. My story isn't over yet. And neither is yours.
When I came across the campaign, Tomorrow Needs You, that To Write Love on Her Arms is currently running, I was inspired to share this post with you all. Tomorrow Needs You is a campaign to raise donations and awareness for mental health in honor of National Suicide Prevention week (currently running 9/10-9/15). Donations are used for treatment and recovery for those in need. I love the video below that TWLOHA recently released:
"Tomorrow needs me because I am worth more than my struggles."
Suicide is the second leading cause of death for teens and young adults around the world. And suicide rates have increased by more than 70% for kids between ages 10-17. That is incredibly disheartening. Those people felt so low that they turned to the only solution they could see at the time. We need to do better. We need to be the reaching hands to those who feel like they're drowning. Because although they might not see what could be for them, we can. We can make a difference in their lives. But in order to do so, we need to know the signs.
These would include verbal clues (such as "I can't take it anymore" or "Life isn't worth living anymore"), emotional clues (high anxiety, agitation, withdrawal, or sudden mood swings), behavioral clues (self harm attempts and concealing objects), and physical cues (change in appetite, exhaustion, and changes in sleeping patterns). Know the signs and reach out if you ever feel concerned for someone else.
I want all of you beautiful people to know that suicide is not the answer. It took years for me to understand that statement fully. But it's true. You deserve to live to see tomorrow. You will do amazing things in life that you might never foresee. People love you and appreciate you. We need you here. Tomorrow needs you. Please stay.
*If a conversation indicates someone is having suicidal thoughts, it’s important to reach out for professional help immediately. You can call 1-800-273-TALK or 911 if it is an emergency.*
**Disclaimer- I am by no means on expert on this topic. I'm speaking from the heart and from experience.**
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