Who were you before they broke you? Before they told you that you weren’t pretty enough, strong enough, or brave enough. Who were you before they told you your skin was too light or too dark? Who were you before they told you that you were too fat or too skinny? Who were you before they told you your teeth weren’t white enough, or you had to many freckles, or that you didn’t look good in that outfit? Who were you before they judged the size of your nose, ears, head, and lips? Who were you? Do you remember? The sad thing is that we probably have to look way back in time. Time when we were a child. Do you remember when you could run around and get as dirty as you wanted and not had given a second thought about how you looked? So, when did it all change for you? Where were you when they broke you?
I remember I was in middle school. Sixth grade to be exact. I remember standing in line with my body pushed up against the lockers, waiting for the teacher to give some direction. This one kid looked at me and asked what nationality I was, so I told him. “What, no you’re not, your skin should be way darker”, was his reply. I’m actually a mix of many different things but to break it down I had told him I was black, white, and Indian mix. Not that is should really matter right? From then on, I had an issue with the color of my skin and so did other people. When my hair is curly people ask if I am Puerto Rican. When my hair is straight people ask if I am Mexican. I have had random people ask me if I was from places like the Philippines, Egypt, Israel, Arabia, you name it I’ve been asked. All because of the color of my skin and my facial features. In the beginning it really bothered me. Like why does it matter where I’m from, and why does my skin color matter? Then I had to ask myself why I had such a complex about the way I look? Was it because every day I seen commercials with beautiful women who looked “perfect”? Was it because everyday on my newsfeed whether it be from Facebook or Instagram there were always women posting beautiful pictures? Was it because it’s always in our face to have a skinny waist, big boobs, nice abs, big muscles, and a nice butt? I mean, don’t get me wrong it would be great to have all those. However, let’s be real. I’m talking really real. If I were to ask you what would you change about yourself, what would you say? You would probably tell me something physical right? I know I said something physical when I asked myself that question. Are you wanting to change because of someone else, or are you wanting to change for yourself? I want you to take a moment and think about that question and be really honest with yourself. While you are thinking about the question I am going to tell you something that I normally don’t share on a regular.
When I had asked myself what I would change, the first thing that came out of my mouth was my stomach. I hate it. I know that hate is a strong word but some days I can’t stand it. If I’m really being truthful with myself as to why I hate it, it is because on those days I’m comparing myself to others. Why do I do that? Why do you do that? I have had 7 babies and 6 pregnancies. If you’re doing the math, yes there are twins in there. Identical twins to be exact who weighed almost 7 pounds each. When I look in the mirror it’s a reminder of the lives that grew in my belly and the lives that were lost. I had lost 3 babies and I’m reminded of it every time I look at my stomach. It’s also a reminder of all the weight that I have gained and all the weight that I have lost and continue to lose. I have so much excess skin that hangs, which makes it hard to find clothes and makes it difficult to find confidence in myself. A really great friend made me realize something the other day. If I ever tell you that I’m looking really pretty today that means my face is completely jacked up. I’m talking no makeup, red blotches, and looking like Rudolf. Before I seen my friend, I messaged that I was looking really pretty so they wouldn’t be scared when they saw me. The first thing my friend told me was that I needed to stop saying that. They told me that this right here is the real me and I didn’t need any makeup to cover anything. They told me I was beautiful just the way I was. Life was spoken into me. It was life that I couldn’t give myself. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why can we so freely give love, encouragement, and speak life into others but we can’t do it to ourselves?
One year and 22 days ago I set myself on a journey. It was a journey to bring myself back to life. I was going to do this for me and not for anyone else. I’ve learned more about myself this past year then I knew my entire life. You know, we are always trying to change things about ourselves, but if you are doing it for someone else then stop it. If someone is telling you that you should lose weight, gain some muscle, dress differently, or change who you are so they will like you better, kindly hold the door open for them so they can exit your life. You don’t need those kinds of people. You need to surround yourself with good people. Ones that will speak life into you when you have forgotten. If you don’t have anybody that will do that for you, please know that I am here and you are not alone. I am one click away. If you want to change do it for YOU. Stop comparing yourself because you are perfect just the way you are. Remember we are all perfectly imperfect.
Xoxoxo,
Dom
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