It's been 5 really great weeks since I made one of the best decisions of my life. After a very difficult transition in my life, God brought me exactly where I needed to be- back to church. And I was finally baptized.
After a really heartbreaking revelation in my relationship back in January I had a constant voice in the back of my head telling me that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't wanted, and I wasn't loved. When you learn that someone had been cheating on you, most people think that they are the ones to blame- not the cheater. That took me a really long time to learn. Was this really what I had imagined for myself? Was this it? Was I settling because the relationship was comfortable? How many times could I forgive mistake after mistake? I kept telling to forgive and forget until it completely broke my spirits. I had given every part of me away until there was nothing left to give and I was so broken.
People at work called me out for not being myself. I'm normally an incredibly upbeat and bubbly person, so when I was quiet everyone who knows me knew that I was hurting. I stopped working out. I slept alone. I cried myself to sleep every night. My mind was always racing and playing things over and over. So I turned to prayer.
It had been so long since I cried out to God for help. And I realized that it had been a long time since I had saved time for God at all. Actually, I allowed over 3 years to pass without stepping foot inside a church- the last time was the day I buried my mother. How had I let this happen? I felt ashamed and I knew I needed to make a change. I just needed to muster the courage to do it.
When my father came into town to visit, he asked if we could go to church on Sunday. I immediately said yes and we planned to visit the church close to our old home. Everyone at White Stone Community Church has always been so kind, so I was excited to return back with my dad. I immediately knew that the sermon would be different when we walked through the doors and saw teens walking around in swim trunks and a giant pool on the stage. When the service began, I was so incredibly moved with emotion. I watched as the entire stage became filled of amazing people who were about to dedicate their lives to God. I knew that was everything I had been wanting- a renewed relationship with God.
But then something more incredible happened- Pastor Luke openly invited everyone sitting down in the church to come up and be baptized. My dad immediately turned to me and said "Alanna, this is your chance! This is God speaking directly to you!".... and I froze. I froze in shock because that was the last thing I had expected. All my life I thought that a baptism required a course that you had to take or some sort of preparation. And before I could jump from my seat, Pastor Luke moved forward with the service. It was beautiful and inspiring, but I couldn't let go my strong feeling of regret.
After the service finished, I sat out in my car and cried. I felt guilty that I didn't take the opportunity even though it was literally within grasp. I regretted not standing up because I had this intense feeling that I was brought to church that day of all days for a reason. When my dad saw me crying, he ran back in to find Pastor Luke and the next thing I knew I was walking back inside to be officially baptized.
The moments leading up to it were the most important to me. The church was still clearing out after the service and I sat with Pastor Luke on the steps. We talked about my past and my recent troubles. I accepted God as my Savior and stepped forward to the pool on the stage. I was so honored to be joined in the water with my dad by my side. All I could think when I stepped in the water were the emotions that had been weighing so heavy on me for the past month. The feelings of being unwanted, unloved, and unworthy were crushing. I was really damaged and hurt. And then I remember the water. But more importantly- rising from the water.
I can't even begin to truly explain the absolute relief I felt when I rose from that water. Every emotion that had been taunting me slipped away. I felt free. I finally felt loved again and accepted. I felt as though I could move forward. It was such an incredible moment. It had been so long since I felt genuinely happy. What I wasn't expecting was the clapping I heard in front of me. When I opened my eyes, there were still some people lingering who witnessed my baptism. Their happiness for me- a total stranger- completely took me by surprise. It's amazing, isn't it? To feel that you were in the exact place you were supposed to be? God lead me back to church when I needed it the most.
I look forward to moving on and to start living a life that I am proud of. To not settle for less than I am worth. To live a life I can look back on and not regret. To focus on myself and build a strong relationship with God. There is so much more ahead of me that I can't even begin to imagine. Although it's been a rough few months, I know that everything happens for a reason. We may not understand it now, or even in a few years, but there is a purpose in the plan God has written for us. And mine is still a work in progress.
Thank you White Stone for taking me in. I am forever grateful for everything Pastor Luke has done for me these past few years with my Mom and Dad. I am so blessed to have been baptized here!
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