I've been attempting to type this blog for two months now. Every time my thoughts spill out, it reopens wounds that weren't yet healed. Some of them still aren't. I told myself that taking a break from blogging would be good for me and that people don't want to hear what I have to say since I wasn't in a good place for a while. I continued to make excuses for a few months after that. But what good does procrastinating do? I'll tell you- it's overthinking and replaying the worst things that happened and not giving myself a chance to breathe and move forward. It's remapping what could have happened if I would have known the outcome. It's trying to change things in my mind over situations that were out of my control. And I think that's what bugged me the most- the whole 'not having control' piece of this story. So here I am, back at the keyboard and getting things off my chest finally and taking back control of what I can and sharing what I've learned.
2019 was a year of a lot of life changing events for me. A whole lot of learning and growth happened. It was hands down one of the most complicated years that threw me into challenges I never saw coming. When it finally came time to count down the final moments of 2019, I was already in bed and checked out. I watched the clock on my phone turn to 12:01am, alone with my dogs sleeping next to me, and simply sighed.
I definitely moped around at the beginning of last year. I felt all the feels and questioned God's intentions. Why me? Seriously, could it get any worse? How far did God have to push me to where I needed to be? Because I must have really been off-track. After allowing myself time to wallow, I finally realized that God put me through those challenges to bring me exactly here today. Had I not gone through the hard times, I wouldn't be here appreciating all of the good that came out of them. If I hadn't suffered for a little while, I wouldn't have known the strength I gained from putting myself back together little by little. I wouldn't have known what it felt like to be truly independent. I wouldn't have bought a house all by myself and I wouldn't have discovered what truly made me happy. It's not about what happens to us, it's what we learn along the way and the actions we take that really matter.
This year, I am letting go. Letting go of toxic relationships. Letting go of one sided friendships. Letting go of expectations. Letting go of self-pity and self-loathing. Letting go of stress that only weighs me down. Letting go of holding onto feelings that hold me back from moving forward.
*cue the corny Frozen theme song here*
Jokes aside, I think many people overlook the idea of letting go of toxic feelings and situations. We often hold onto things, hoping that it'll change over time. If someone isn't giving their all to you in a friendship or relationship, let them go. You deserve to have someone put as much effort into you as you do to them. If a person's presence or negative attitude constantly brings you down, let them go. If you find yourself stressed constantly, let go of whatever it is that causes you stress or anxiety. Toxic people and feelings shouldn't have any hold on you. Allow yourself to feel what you need to in the moment and let go. But don't forget that the true challenge comes afterwards- in the decisions you make and the actions you take.
People may not always see how strong you are and how much it takes to hold it together, but that doesn't mean you stop. Recognition for all that you've accomplished isn't everything. I've learned in 2019 that being strong was up to you and only you, you can't rely on others to hold you afloat. Happiness really does come from inside and once you find that, don't settle for anything less.
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