Two weeks ago, I experienced one of the most humbling encounters while scrambling for money to pay for gas. And I can't stop thinking about it. It's been playing over and over in my mind and I feel like I need to share it with you all.
Money has always been a struggle for me. I have so many bills to pay, including car payments, insurance, internet, gas, student loans, phone, credit card- it goes on and on. I've always lived on a tight budget and I live paycheck to paycheck. Every pay day, I pay all my bills due within two weeks and a lot of times that leaves little to no money left in my account for groceries or gas. It's a vicious cycle that I've struggled with for years.
On this particular day, I was on my way home when I looked down and realized I was almost completely out of gas. I pulled in to the nearest Kwik Trip and pulled out my phone. Because money is tight, I always check my account before withdrawing any money. I had $8.27 in my bank account. I told myself, "Okay Alanna, you have about 8 dollars and that's it. That should get you home."
I got out of my car, set up the pump, and started to pump gas. My mind started to flood with random thoughts of my work day. It had been stressful and I remember thinking about all of the little things that I wanted to remember to do for the next day. I checked the pump and it was around 4 dollars. "Okay a little bit more to go."
And so my mind continued: "What should I cook for dinner tonight? I had a Hello Fresh delivery I could make, but it would take a little bit to make. Did I really feel like cooking tonight? Maybe I'll just throw in a pizza". I check the pump again. And immediately panicked. I was at $13!!! I stopped the pump and set it back, hand shaking. Heart fluttering. And fear began to set in. The final damage was a whopping $13.03.
"CRAP. How was I supposed to pay for this??" I sat down in my car and fought back tears. "I couldn't call someone and expect them to drop off a few bucks for me because I couldn't pay for gas. I'm too proud to ask for help (it's a character flaw but I rarely ask others for help unless I don't have a choice). My mom raised me to be independent. I need to figure this out myself". And so I pulled out my wallet and started to count my change. For some reason, I managed to collect $4 in quarters. "I'm so lucky I hung onto all of these. But will it be enough? I have to breathe. Just breathe." I thought. I moved on to counting my dimes and nickels. "I think I have enough if I use all my change first. Then whatever I have left to pay I'll use my debit card. I hope I have enough."
I grabbed my wallet full of change and my debit card and headed inside. There was a young guy at the register and I walked up to him, face bright red. "I'm so sorry to be this person, but I have some change I'd like you to count first." I told him. He was so sweet and replied with "Sure! What do you all have?". I started emptying my wallet out, scooping for every last cent in the pockets. After realizing that there was a lot of change to count, the cashier pulled out a weight scale to assist in counting the multitude of change on the counter. I patiently stood still while the change was being added up, completely engulfed with embarrassment. My palms were sweating, my face was red, and my body was warm. I felt nervous, broken, and humiliated.
While waiting for the final count, I overheard some guy sigh- loudly- behind me. "Really? Is this guy really THAT impatient, he can't wait a few minutes? I'm already incredibly embarrassed. Believe me, dude, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't have to." I wanted to cry so badly after hearing that. All I wanted to do was run and ball my eyes out in my car alone. And then a woman behind me spoke up, "I remember those days. I was a single mom and most of my dinners were ramen noodles", the guy chuckled, "No, seriously."
I was so grateful for that woman chiming in. No, I'm not a single mother. And no, I don't eat ramen noodles every night. But I am a broke young adult just trying to make ends meet. The stresses of money related struggles are a huge factor in my depression. After hearing those comments, I became increasingly anxious. After what seemed like forever, the cashier gave me my total of $5.16 in counted change. I now owed $7.87. I smiled, swiped my card, gathered my wallet, and walked out. And yes, I cried in my car.
How many of us judge people without blinking? We notice our co-worker who wears the same pants every day and think that they're too lazy to wash their clothes, when in reality they might not have money to buy anything else. We see someone rushing on the freeway and cutting people off, but that person may have just gotten word that a loved one is in the hospital. We see someone standing on the side of a street asking for money and we think they're faking it, but they are truly homeless and have nothing left. So many people are fighting so many demons and we would never know by looking at them. We never really know what struggles someone else is battling and it's not our business to know, but it is our job to treat others with respect. We need to be more kind, patient and understanding of others.
I've never felt that incredibly panicked, helpless and alone. Yes, it was my fault for accidentally over-pumping gas. But I learned an incredible lesson- I needed to humble myself more. Driving away from that gas station, all I could think about was how incredibly humbled I felt and that I should never take the little money I did have for granted again. I was blessed to have enough to pay my balance. And I hope that one day I have enough money to pay it forward to someone I come across that needs the help. And I won't be quick to judge someone else on their actions without thinking through their point of view.
In the great words of Tim McGraw always stay humble and kind.
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