We live in such a fast-paced world. Everyone is constantly running around trying to get things done. People’s heads are down looking on their phones for the latest notification. The drive-thru's are constantly busy because no one has the “time” to sit down to eat or drink. We text because it’s so much quicker and easier than picking up the phone. How many people do you run into in a day? Maybe more some days than others. Like on a Friday at the grocery store when it seems like the entire city decided to come out and shop at the grocery store that you’re at. How about social media? How many people do you see on there? Many, I bet. Some use social media to post about their happy times. Some use it as their diary. Some use it to spew hate and negativity. Some use it as a political tool. The list could go on and on. Then there are those who take about 15 different selfies and only post the one that they like the best. Why do we do that? It’s because we all want to look like we have it together, right? Have you ever scrolled through your feed and seen some perfect pictures, and thought that this person had life all figured out? I guess the question is, do they really? What lies beneath that perfect picture, those eyes, that smile, and those closed doors? Why are we so afraid to unmask what’s really going on within us? Is it because of fear of judgement, or maybe we are afraid that a certain person won’t like us anymore?
About a year and a half ago I found myself fearing judgement from other people. It's kind of strange because I usually don’t care what other people think of me. If you like me great, and if you don’t then great. I try not to let other people’s opinions of me get to me. I know who I am and I know who I am not. A lot of who I am is who I am not, but you know there is always someone who has to say something. I get a lot of crap from people because we have a big family. We have 4 kids. I really didn’t think that 4 was a big number, but I guess in the days that we live in apparently it is. Ever since I was little I wanted a big family. My husband and I will be married for 16 years this coming up July. We own our own home and take care of our kids. Never did the day care thing. Mainly because I wanted to watch my kids grow, and the other reason is because I would have to work 3 jobs just to bring some money home because of daycare costs. So, for anybody to say anything about my family is a bit ridiculous, but people will be people I guess. I found out I was pregnant when I went to a doctor’s office visit that wasn’t even for me! Crazy right! I immediately felt judged. People gave us a hard time with 4 kids, can you imagine the garbage I would have to listen to with 5, especially when the twins were only one and a half? I told my husband I didn’t want to tell anyone about the pregnancy yet. You see, we have lost 2 babies before and what comes out of people’s mouths is absolutely insulting sometimes. People think that they are helping but are not. You can’t tell a grieving mother who just gave birth to her dead baby that things happen for a reason, or that there was “something” wrong with the baby. I mean seriously. Regardless of why it happened or how far along she was, it was still her baby. We went for 3 months without telling anyone. Then after the 3 months went by we slowly started telling people. I mean honestly at this point probably 4 people knew because I was still afraid of the judgement. I just didn’t want to hear it, I knew it would stress me out. As time went by I started feeling better about telling people. I couldn’t hide it much longer. My belly was growing and people would soon notice. My second trimester appointment was coming up so we decided after I got out of the doctor we would make the announcement. When the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat, she sent me down for an ultrasound. But I already knew in my heart what happened. It took way to long to find the heartbeat. The ultrasound gave me the devastating news that our baby was gone. I have 3 babies who I will never hold. When their birthday comes around it shatters my heart wondering about the what would have been, or what would be different. Their little voices I will never hear. Pieces of me have been ripped away that I will never get back. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of them. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn’t break. That’s one of the things that lies beneath my smile and my eyes. If you see me, on the outside I normally am smiling, laughing, and motivating others. On the inside my heart aches but no one see it. I’ve hidden it beneath everything.
I share this with you because I know I am not the only one who feels this way. We all have something that lies beneath our eyes, smiles, and doors to our home. Do you know what I think? I think that if we all took a minute and slowed down, we could really help some people in need. Take a moment and listen to people, not just when they talk to you but when they look at you. Strength grows in the moments when you think you can’t go on but you keep going anyway.
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