Negativity is a gateway to anxiety and depression. Nothing good comes of it. I speak from experience. About 5 months ago, I was right smack in the middle of a huge battle with depression. Not many people know about it, but now I'm okay with sharing a little bit of my story.
Ever since my mom passed in 2015, I've been experiencing some extreme lows. And I shut people out. I shut out my friends, I shut out my family, and I shut out my fiance. At the time I didn't know what was going on. I would lash out at people for no reason and a lot of times I would way over-react to the littlest problems. I kept almost all of my feelings bottled up inside and they wouldn't resurface until I blew up. This past August I had my biggest break down yet. Aaron and I were out at Slinger Speedway for the Sunday night races with a huge group of friends. I over-reacted to a situation at the beginning of the races and became so irritated that I refused to talk to anyone. I got myself so worked up and threw a fit in front of my closest friends. I ended up walking home in the dark by myself. You guys, when I say "walking home", I mean that I walked an unhealthy amount of time in my flip flops on the side of the road by myself.
That walk home was one of the worst experiences that I've ever had. The whole 2 hour and 10 minute walk home I told myself that I wasn't good enough for anybody. That I had too many problems and I was just a burden to my friends and family. That I would never amount to anything. That nobody would miss me if I was gone. Those negative thoughts turned to thoughts of self-harm. I cried the whole way and battled these thoughts over and over and over again. I texted mean things to my best friend. I ignored all of Aaron's calls. Aaron, who was worried about me and couldn't find me, resorted to calling the cops. Not as a way to get me in trouble, but in an effort find me and help me. A cop called me and I ignored the voicemail that followed. In that moment, I didn't care about anything. I was numb. When Aaron finally met me at home, he told me that I needed to seek help and he still loved me, despite whatever I was going through.
The next day, I ignored the cop's second attempt to contact me. I had plans to babysit for my cousin's son and when I got home I sat down and had that hard talk with Aaron... It wasn't easy. I couldn't explain to him how I had been feeling in that moment. And even worse, I couldn't even explain why I got as mad as I did. I had spiraled out of control and couldn't even pin-point why it started. That night, the cop showed up to our house at 9pm for a wellness check. That's right, a wellness check. He asked me a few questions and we waited as the psychiatrist drove out to meet with me. After meeting with her and opening up about a lot of negative things I had been dealing with in my personal life, I realized that I had been dealing with way too much for one person to handle on their own. The psychiatrist told me she was surprised that I had been handling everything on my plate for as long as I had without seeking help. That opened my eyes. Talking with a complete stranger about my personal life was hard, but she was so understanding and made it easier to do the more we talked. By the time her and the cop left, it was past midnight. I was exhausted and went to bed right away. That next day, I did a lot of thinking. And I came to the conclusion that I needed to take time to take care of myself more. If anyone knows me personally, then you know that I am the type of person to always help out. No matter who you are, I was always there to catch you when you fell. But I couldn't catch myself at the end of the day. I had been trying to take care of everyone else in my life, but I left no time for myself. You guys, self care is SO IMPORTANT! I can't say that enough.
I'm telling you this very personal story in hopes to help somebody who needs to hear this: YOU ARE ENOUGH, YOU ARE LOVED, YOU MATTER. If there is one thing that I have learned from that situation a few months back, it's that you are in control of how you react to negative situations. And if you feel like you aren't in control, then it is OKAY to seek help. That was a hard lesson for me to learn. But now, I've finally made it to a point in my life where I feel like I'm in control again.
A little while ago, I got a new tattoo to honor my mom. This tattoo means everything to me. Before my mom passed, we asked her how she was holding up. She responded, "It is well." I take this reminder with me wherever I go. My resolution this year is to live up to that mentality. To approach every negative situation with a positive attitude. To be able to say "It is well with my soul" whenever I encounter a negative person or situation. There have been a few instances that I've encountered since last August that have challenged me to react differently than I would have before. I've learned to be the better person whenever someone acts negatively towards me. And I've learned to accept negative situations as they are and to not react. I'm really proud to say that I've been handling things better and maintaining a positive attitude overall. What will be, will be. I choose to control what I can and make the best out of a negative circumstance. And I'm challenging you all to do the same.
I'll leave you with this quote I found that has helped me through this journey:
